The Potty Dance

Have You Ever Watched Your Child Do the Potty Dance… and Still Refuse the Toilet?

Have you ever watched your child cross their legs, hold themselves, pace around the room, or do the unmistakable “potty dance”—only to refuse the toilet when you suggest it?

If so, you’re not alone.

Many parents of autistic children find themselves thinking:

“I know they have to go. Why won’t they just sit on the potty?”

It can feel confusing, frustrating, and exhausting.

But here’s something we want you to know:

Needing to go and being ready to use the toilet are not always the same thing.

What Parents Often See

Maybe you’ve experienced something like this:

Your child starts hopping from foot to foot.

They’re grabbing themselves.

You know exactly what those signs mean.

So you say:

“Come on, let’s go potty!”

And suddenly…

• They run away.
• They cry.
• They drop to the floor.
• They scream “No!”
• They hold it even longer.

Many parents assume this means their child is being stubborn.

But in our experience as a BCBA and special educator team, that’s rarely the whole story.

Why Does This Happen?

For many autistic children, the challenge isn’t recognizing the need to go.

The challenge is everything that comes after.

Think about how many things happen during a bathroom trip:

• Walking away from a preferred activity.
• Transitioning to a new room.
• Pulling down clothing.
• Sitting on an unfamiliar surface.
• Feeling off balance.
• Hearing loud flushing sounds.
• Experiencing sensations inside their body that are difficult to understand.

That’s a lot.

What looks like refusal may actually be anxiety, sensory discomfort, difficulty with transitions, or simply not knowing what to expect.

A Real-Life Example

One little boy we worked with would hold his urine for hours.

His parents were convinced he was being defiant.

But after observing him, we noticed something interesting.

He wasn’t afraid of the bathroom.

He wasn’t afraid of the toilet.

He was terrified of the flushing sound.

Once his parents allowed him to leave the room before flushing and slowly helped him tolerate the sound over time, accidents decreased and bathroom visits became much easier.

The problem wasn’t stubbornness.

It was fear.

Another Child Refused to Sit

Another child would walk into the bathroom willingly but refused to sit on the toilet.

At first glance, it looked like noncompliance.

But when we broke the task down, we discovered that sitting felt unstable and scary.

So instead of forcing sitting, we started with tiny goals:

Day 1:
Enter the bathroom.

Day 3:
Touch the toilet seat.

Day 5:
Stand next to the toilet.

Day 8:
Sit for one second with clothes on.

Day 14:
Sit comfortably for ten seconds.

Progress happened because we focused on comfort before independence.

Look for Signs Your Child Knows They Need to Go

Some children may not tell you verbally, but their bodies often do.

Common signs include:

• Crossing their legs.
• Holding themselves.
• Squatting.
• Pacing.
• Hiding.
• Suddenly becoming quiet.
• Dancing or hopping.
• Increased irritability.

These signs tell us something important:

Your child is communicating.

And communication is a great place to start.

What To Do Instead of Rushing

When you see these signs, try:

Keep Your Language Simple

Instead of:

“Do you need to go potty? Come on, hurry up!”

Try:

“Potty time.”

Short, calm phrases are often easier to process.

Use Visual Supports

Many children benefit from:

• First/Then boards.
• Bathroom schedules.
• Visual routines.
• Timers.

Visual supports help make the process more predictable.

Focus on Tiny Steps

Success doesn’t always mean sitting and peeing.

Success might be:

✔ Walking into the bathroom.

✔ Touching the toilet.

✔ Pulling pants down.

✔ Sitting with clothes on.

✔ Tolerating the bathroom for thirty seconds.

Small wins build confidence.

Avoid Power Struggles

It’s understandable to feel frustrated when accidents keep happening.

But pressure often increases anxiety.

And anxiety makes learning harder.

Instead of:

“You HAVE to sit!”

Try:

“First sit, then bubbles.”

“First potty, then tablet.”

Children are much more likely to cooperate when they feel safe and know what happens next.

Remember: Regulation Comes Before Independence

One of the biggest mistakes we see is expecting independence before comfort.

Before a child can successfully use the toilet independently, they first need to:

• Feel safe.
• Understand the routine.
• Tolerate the environment.
• Experience success.

Independence comes later.

And that’s okay.

You’re Not Behind

If your child is showing signs they need to go but still refuses the toilet, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

And it doesn’t mean your child is stubborn.

Often, it means we need to slow down, understand the “why,” and teach in smaller steps.

Because potty training isn’t just about getting pee in the toilet.

It’s about helping your child feel safe, successful, and confident.

And that process doesn’t have to be rushed.

Need More Step-by-Step Help?

Our Calm & Confident Autism Parent Toolkit includes:

• Potty training schedules
• Reinforcement planners
• Accident response guides
• Parent scripts
• Visual supports
• Printable trackers

Because overwhelmed parents don’t just need encouragement.

They need to know exactly what to do next. Click Here

We Can Help

You need a step-by-step system that actually fits how autistic children learn.

That’s exactly why we created our communication course.

Inside, we walk parents through:

• How to reduce meltdowns
• How to stop prompt dependence
• Why children communicateIdentifying preferred items and activities
• Building opportunities for communication throughout the day
• Avoiding the trap of anticipating every need
• Making communication rewarding

Grab our step-by-step communication course here.

Because parents don’t just need validation.

They need to know exactly what to do next.